The company I worked for said I was crap and gave me lots of money to leave, so I threw some essentials (sink plug, bottle opener, foxes glacier fruits) into a bag and flew to New York.

Do you think American's are stupid? Well they are! One of them even informed me that as an Englishmen, I was from Europe! You can only imagine my surprise! I had to get away, so I flew to Fiji where I lived in a straw hut and drank kava with the village chief. But then, I was suddenly mugged, so it was time to run away again! Everyone said New Zealand was nice so I was delighted to find myself there, and they were right, it is nice. They have dolphins, mountains, beaches and kiwi's. Ok, they've killed most of the Kiwi's but nevermind. However, the New Zealand women are among the ugliest on God's Earth, so I fled to Australia. The weather would be warmer there too. But I was nearly eaten whilst skinny dipping in Fraser Island's shark-infested waters, so off I fled. Singapore wasn't very exciting but Malaysia was great. After swimming with turtles I waltzed into Thailand where I went down a waterfall on a bamboo raft being steered by a tribesman still pumped up on last nights opium. All too crazy for me so I jaunted into Laos but being offered fried tartantula I moved swiftly on to Cambodia. They put marajuana on their pizza here! As soon as it's legal back home I'm opening up a pizza parlour - what an idea! Still high I accidentally strolled into Vietnam. I saw some puppets on water and they scared the shit out of me. They're like chucky dolls, so I made it to Hong Kong via China to escape death at the hands of killer Vietnamese puppets. Then it was time to go home, so I wished I hadn't ran away from all those countries after all. On my last night there was a cat stuck in between the walls in my guestroom, which kept me up all night. I hate cats, but I informed the owner of the feline's plight. He laughed. Funny old trip. Here are a few stories........